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My last visit to Spy House was during the daytime. Bright and cheery, no oppressive atmosphere this time. I noticed all the furnishings had been changed, a lot of the stuff emptied out. No Gertrude to be seen. I wandered around. The collection of newspaper clippings about Spy House's ghosts was gone. The pamphlet about visitors' spooky experiences, sold in the giftshop, was no longer on display. Two unfamiliar staff members had been watching me, and one approached. "You're not here looking for ghosts, I hope. Everyone comes here looking for ghosts, and if you're looking for nonsense like that maybe you should look somewhere else."
"Hmmm...." I replied. "I thought the ghost aspect was a major marketing point here."
A pair of eyes, more frightening than any poltergeist's could ever be, bored into me. "That was just crazy Gertrude," she said. "Her and her hallucinations. She was just driving this place down with that nonsense, causing everyone to come down here looking for ghosts. The historical society got rid of here, and all of her nonsense. We even changed the locks so she can't get back in."
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"So, this place isn't haunted?," I asked.
"It couldn't be haunted," she assured me, "because everyone with any sense knows there are no such things as ghosts. Only crazy people believe in stuff like that. There are no ghosts. That is the official policy of the museum."
Perplexed, I asked, "Even if ghosts don't exist, if people visit the museum because they heard it was haunted, they still show up, they still experience a vital part of New Jersey's history, they still drop a donation in the jar, so what's the harm?"
"We'd rather not have anyone show up, than to attract that kind of element. You look familiar. Have I seen you on TV in some connection with the museum?"
"I'm a journalist. I did a show a couple of years ago about the ghosts of Spy House," I said.
Those eyes burned into me. "We don't appreciate that sort of stuff. It just damages our reputation."
That was my cue to graciously exit, leaving Spy House and its tenants, visible and invisible, behind. "New Jersey's Most Haunted House" is no longer. Because, as everyone knows, there are no such things as ghosts. It's official policy.
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